Ok so i go out for a drink last night with some friends from work ... and who stops by at the bar, but my co-wokers wife and little sister.  I shouldnt say shes little. shes 26 with a smoking body and a face like a angel. we do the normal hello's and pleased to meet you's and went on with the night.  I m not going to let a opertunity like that go to waste..  I casually start trying to move in on her. She taking the bait and laughing at my dumb ass jokes, calling me sweet heart , baby, babe, talking all cute and sweet to me, so i think im in.  As the night came to a close i drive her home, I walk her to the door give her a hug good night , followed by a kiss, get her phone number,  make plans to see each other again. I asked to come inside she tells me her boyfriend wont like that to much... (  I shook my head too). I got out of there with out saying goodbye, left her standing in the cold.  All I can say is why me...

Whats with girls now a days, leading guys on , its like a game to them called "I got a BF but lets find prince charming too",. There was no mixed signals here the girl wanted me and was willing to go out with me, but call me old fashion but i like my girls single and without boyfriends lol, commitment has to be a thing of the past. Im never going to find that special someone, every girl I meet is just totally wrong for me.

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?


2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?


3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?


4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?


5. Up to $100 for a 4x4 vehicle - more for foreign cars - less for domestic cars. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 - 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?


6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?


7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how much tagging can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?


8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?


9. La Shaunda is a lookout for the gang. La Shaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If La Shaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?



10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

 
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Now that 2007 is nearly over, the World Organization of Statistics has released frightening new information that shows toaster related deaths are up all across the world this year.

"It's not just in the US, it's everywhere," said Dr. Kevin Willie, self-proclaimed 'Statistical Genius'. "It is an alarming trend, and only appears to be getting worse."

The number of toaster related deaths in the world this past year was 45. This is up 12 from last year, and up 15 from two years ago. The number of toaster related deaths in the US alone was 17, nearly a 7% increase over the past year. This year toasters have killed nearly ten times more people worldwide than the deadly polio virus, and no one disputes what a terrible plague polio has been on society.

"At the steep rate that toaster deaths are increasing, the entire human race may soon be wiped out," claimed Dr. Willie.

Most often, toaster deaths are caused by a lack of respect, and fear, for the common toaster. 

"Toasters are programmed only to toast. They know nothing else. They feel no pain, they have no compassion. They will tear a man to pieces and cook him to a golden brown without a second thought," said Nathan Jones.

Nathan lost his wife and daughter in a toaster related incident four years ago and has been working to instill fear of toasters in all who he meets so that they will not have to relive his experience. "All they wanted was toast, but what they got was death," he often tells his audiences.

"People are lackadaisical, just putting bread and bagels into the toaster," said Dr. Jack Snow. "They don't even stop to think about how the toaster is really an unstoppable killing machine."

Dr. Snow works for the Aaron Burr Medical Institution, which specializes in toaster related injuries. He has treated dozens of toaster injuries in the past decade.

"I've seen things that you'd never want to see, things far worse than even a Mariah Carry movie," said Dr. Snow. "But saddest of all, most of these injuries could have been easily prevented."

One of Dr. Snow's recent cases involved a young newlywed couple. The wife lost her ring in a toaster while reaching for her bagel. And her foolhardy husband went after it with a fork.

"If only the husband would have contacted the Toaster Squad, they could have safely removed the ring," said Dr. Snow. "But he did not assess the real danger of the toaster, and it ended with me having to surgically reattach both arms."

Another recent case did not have such a happy ending. Little Bobby loved toast, and he loved taking bathes. But together, his two loves created an explosive mistress of death.

"Poor little Bobby, tried to take his toaster in the tub," said Dr. Snow, a tear streaming down his cheek. "We could only identify the body by comparing his teeth with our dental records. If only his parents had warned him about the dangers of Toaster Bathing, he would have worn his protective rubber suit and would still be with us today."

Dr. Snow, Nathan Jones, and others like them have been working hard for years to promote "Safe Toasting" across the United States. They have created television commercials and pamphlets detailing the dangers of using a toaster and what safety measures should be taken when you do.

"It is a simple reality that toaster injuries can be avoided," said Dr. Snow. "Always ground yourself before using a toaster, make sure you have rubber soled shoes, wear rubber gloves, and if you are toasting in a moist environment, don't forget your full body rubber suit. Follow these simple rules and you have no reason to fear your everyday breakfast routine."

While toaster deaths have been on a rise in recent years, their threat has remained largely unpublicized. Few people know the real dangers of toasters. Unfortunately, it seems that only now that toasters have become a leading cause of death worldwide are they truly being seen for what they truly are; cold, heartless killing machines. We must hope that with education and training, this trend will soon be reversed less we all be faced with the cruel wraith of the toaster.

Different Asses

Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_)   A regular ass (__!__)   A fat ass (__)(__)   A "wide load" ass (!)   A tight ass (_*_)   A sore ass {_!_}   A swishy ass (_o_)   An ass that's been around (_x_)   Kiss my ass (_X_)   Leave my ass alone (_zzz_)   A tired ass (_E=mc2_)   A smart ass (_?_)   Dumb ass (_Lame_)   Lame ass (_jack_)   Jackass (_-$_)   Cheap ass (_0_)   A Prison ass (_)   Half ass (®^®)   Registered ass (__|___)   Lop sided ass (_:_)   2 holed ass (_O_)   Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around) (Mom)(__)   Tattooed ass (_)||(_)   Fucked ass ()()   Ass print on a window ( * * )   Ass with dimples (_X X_)   A kicked ass (_%_)   An average ass (_$_)   A rich ass [_!_]   A hard ass

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
   and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
   her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
   This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
   because she got a diamond ring."
   As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
   birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
   This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
   she got the gold bracelet."
   As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
   buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
   the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

Q: What is 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed.

Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job - Ever!

 

1. No Thanks. ... Just Sniffing.

2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

5. Will you model this for me???

6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.

7. $50?? Are you kidding? She's just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
   Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
   -- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]

 

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
   -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

 

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
   discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
   expired on January 1, 1976.
   -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

 

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise"

--Unknown

 

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
   tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
   country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and
   tired of being told that I am!
   -- Monty Python

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
   - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

 

 

There is a pain which swallows me whole
a love which I cherished but no longer has a soul
a deep cry to feel another’s trust
a love which I need but no lips to touch

THE POOL OF UNEMPLOYED AND UNDEREMPLOYED AMERICANS WITH COLLEGE DEGREES IS GROWING EVERY YEAR

Of course you won't see these numbers in the MSM unemployment rate [they won't be tracked until the adult gets a job]; but here's a Vault College Career Information excerpt from their website:

"...According to studies by the National Association of Colleges and Employers (NACE), only 45 percent of college graduates have jobs waiting for them when they graduate, but about three-quarters find work within six or seven months after graduation...."