A friend sent this to me to cheer me up, I had such a good laugh, I thought Id share it.

 

What Women Want in a Man

When they first start dating

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. Imaginative, romantic lover

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 32

1. Nice looking (hair on his head)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 42

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 52

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 62

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man

When they are age 72

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

 
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Different Asses

Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_)   A regular ass (__!__)   A fat ass (__)(__)   A "wide load" ass (!)   A tight ass (_*_)   A sore ass {_!_}   A swishy ass (_o_)   An ass that's been around (_x_)   Kiss my ass (_X_)   Leave my ass alone (_zzz_)   A tired ass (_E=mc2_)   A smart ass (_?_)   Dumb ass (_Lame_)   Lame ass (_jack_)   Jackass (_-$_)   Cheap ass (_0_)   A Prison ass (_)   Half ass (®^®)   Registered ass (__|___)   Lop sided ass (_:_)   2 holed ass (_O_)   Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around) (Mom)(__)   Tattooed ass (_)||(_)   Fucked ass ()()   Ass print on a window ( * * )   Ass with dimples (_X X_)   A kicked ass (_%_)   An average ass (_$_)   A rich ass [_!_]   A hard ass

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
   and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
   her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
   This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
   because she got a diamond ring."
   As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
   birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
   This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
   she got the gold bracelet."
   As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
   buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
   the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

Q: What is 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed.

Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job - Ever!

 

1. No Thanks. ... Just Sniffing.

2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

5. Will you model this for me???

6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.

7. $50?? Are you kidding? She's just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
   Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
   -- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]

 

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
   -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

 

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
   discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
   expired on January 1, 1976.
   -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

 

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise"

--Unknown

 

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
   tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
   country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and
   tired of being told that I am!
   -- Monty Python

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
   - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach